A Life Decluttered: When Dealing With Another's Possessions | Part I

So many people have reached out to me since my TedxIndianapolis Talk. I've gotten text messages from friends who'd just dropped off 12 bags to Goodwill (!!!!) or pared down their guest room (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). One friend took it a step further and detached from social media - a whole new level of 'chipping away all that is unnecessary' (and one I'll be exploring in an upcoming blog so stay tuned). I've loved hearing from you all and how simplifying has added something to your life.

But today I want to address another aspect of decluttering that I hear about quite frequently. People get really excited about downsizing, but in my work and in the feedback I get, the two questions I hear most frequently are:

"How do I deal with my partner's clutter?" 

&

"How do you part with family heirlooms? / How do I decline items my parents want to pass down to me all together?"

I'm going to be honest, I do not like answering these questions. They go a lot deeper than simply disposing of stuff. They are about larger issues in a relationship, and since I'm not a therapist, I really don't have any place in offering advice. There is no simple solution because each relationship & each person involved is unique! What's one person's trash is another person's treasure. A lot of sentiment and emotion is attached to these sorts of possessions, and another's feelings are involved. And bottom line: any issues that arise aren't really about the objects. 

So instead of offering advice, allow me to offer my experience. In this, Part I of Dealing With Another's Possessions, I attempt to tackle the first question: "How do I deal with my partner's clutter?" Below are some Do's & Don'ts I use when engaging another to hop on my Decluttering Bandwagon:

• DO: Focus on yourself and your stuff.
  
  It is so easy to focus on others and what they should change. So much easier than focusing on yourself! THAT'S no fun. But pointing fingers never helped any relationship. So, before you even engage another about decluttering their stuff, start with yourself. Have you completely decluttered your closet? Not just thought about it, but gone through the WHOLE process, including dropping off the cast-off items to the charity of your choice? Have you tackled your book collection, your filing cabinet, your letter collection, your box of memories, etc.? Do you first, and do you thoroughly. Keeping the focus on myself helps all situations.
  
  

• DO: be upfront and honest about what you are asking of your partner -- and realize that what you are asking him/her for, is to declutter for your sanity.
  DO NOT: treat downsizing as an invitation for a power struggle or a means to control another.
  
  Decluttering is essential for my well-being, but just because it brings me serenity doesn't mean it does so for everyone. So when I asked my husband to declutter (before he was my husband, when we'd just moved in with each other) - I was very clear and upfront about the fact that this was something I was asking him to do for me. I viewed the whole process as an act of service he gave me. I knew he didn't care about it as much as me, and I knew that my way wasn't the only way. But still, I needed to declutter to feel at home. Like all things in all relationships, decluttering was a two way street for us. He agreed to declutter out of respect for me and my wishes, and I respected him by listening to him and understanding what he was and was not willing to part with.
  
  

• DO NOT: discard any items belonging to another without their permission.
  
  Don't do it. It's not worth it. It breaks trust and it's disrespectful. If there are items your partner is not willing to part with, but you truly believe he/she never uses and will never miss, pack them up in a box and mark your calendar for six months down the line. At the six month marker, if these items haven't been missed, again bring up the idea of getting rid of them. Don't nag - just lay out the facts: "These haven't been touched in six months and I'd really like to have more space in the closet. Is it ok if we donate them now?"
  
  Maybe he/she will agree. But if they don't --
  
  

• DO: Let it go.
  
  At this point, if your partner is still unwilling to declutter, let it go. You have done all you can. You have been upfront, honest and respectful. Your partner knows where you stand. There is nothing more to be done but accept the situation (and perhaps choose to focus on all your partner's great qualities instead of the fact that he/she isn't a minimalist like you). In my experience, when I have spoken my mind in a direct yet kind manner, it is much easier to let it go because I am not bottling up any emotions. I've been heard - and that goes a long way for me.